Wednesday, December 30, 2009

一日同行

I have a new lappie. But nope, I'm not using it now. My modem is too old to compatible with the new lappie's OS Window 7. That's why I don't like new technology or new gadget.
我有新电脑笔记了,可是那modem插进USB却没反应,支撑不到新科技。都说我是念旧的人。

我不提及不代表我不想念。
思念藏心底,有几次差点露了出来,还是不打扰的好。
心慌心烦,逃了。
你,不看了,不会懂。无所谓。

一直在看故事,中文英文交替看,好多个故事,有时自己都懵了,忘了这个主角是哪个故事的。
有一个特别让我有感触。Copy and paste吧。

“嫉妒袭来
  (呵呵,朋友们,听艾镜谈到嫉妒一定有点陌生吧)
  但是它当时还是来了,平静的海面底下,嫉妒暗涌
  他不英俊,他没有气质,他没有才华,他没有聪慧,他没有对等的家世……他没有他没有……
  我想着这些平静而出神地对他笑着,觉得自己甚至有点鬼魅
  嫉妒……如果对方强过自己会嫉妒,原来对方不够好更会嫉妒,我宁愿他好到无人能比,无法舍弃……我此刻也能心甘一点
  …………
  我想做对,我想讽刺……
  但是
  不行!
   我心里一个声音告诉我不行!因为我又看到了她,我刚刚的目光里只是盯死了那个男人的平庸,一直没有看向可爱的她……她此刻恬淡地眯着眼睛看着天花板,嘴 角上扬,呼吸像小湖上的波纹,天真的她,现在不再惊慌和害怕,她发现我和他在和平融洽地相处在一起,这也许是她没有想象过的画面吧,那么和谐那么宁静。她 隐藏过我,迫使我回避,怕我的心想些什么感受到些什么。
  但是她现在似乎觉得一切都可以轻松下来,因为没有人伤害他人。
  没有人伤害他人……
  鬼魅从脸上消失,眼睛里露出真诚
  眼睛要看着自己的爱人,心里产生的才是爱,当内心衍生出愤恨和嫉妒的时候,我们会发现,眼里的主角早已换成了他人,而不是爱人。”


“我写出我们之前略 有悲伤略有迷茫但是最终勇敢和坚定的过程,其实是想和大家分享心态,我的一个朋友告诉我,在爱里常常会出现一方表面的冷漠换来另一方的自我保护,于是那种 出于自我保护的骄傲更加深地伤害对方,于是出现重重的自我保护和伤害。人在爱里是很容易受到伤害的,而这伤害的来源是不可思议的,因为往往是对方爱的方 式,那方式与我们的需要有区别,于是伤害产生了。
  请跨越这些,我们这个群体,爱是不容易的,却也是美到不真实的,所以何苦让现实中的垃圾困扰你的爱呢?太多的形式主义的在一起,太多的现实阻碍,太多的自认为不可能,太多的自私自利……
  让它们远离,只让纯粹的心灵互相拥抱
  我想说:福分足够用”



摘自天涯一路同行 《我爱她,比我大十几岁的一个女人》,作者艾镜

原来爱可以那么无私无计较。

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

我有很型的老婆

傍晚骑着我的老婆去兜风。住宅区小路无需戴铁帽,微风习习迎面而来,很让心情愉快。我想我的脸是一路很拽的笑着,因为我的老婆很有型。在熟悉的的小路上奔驰,每次回来都会回去学校的篮球场兜一圈,鸟脚有在的话一定会兜去她家找她。

这里的人都很随和。屋后有一个荒废的Majlis Perbandaran storeroom。有道友在里面逍遥,是一个uncle。昨天带狗散布时发现的,因为另一个uncle走进去好像是在交易。这道友的来访似乎已经有一段时间了,我爸妈都不以为意,这里没有人会去理的。

我家邻居的媳妇好像来了亲戚。亲戚里有一个好象是自家人,长发t吧,泰国来的华侨。我家邻居很妙,小儿子变了性,大儿子娶泰国人。

刚才出去吃饭看到一个小妹妹,一副很乖巧的样子,应该只有7,8岁吧,戴副小眼镜了。爸爸抽烟,小妹妹捏着鼻子喝水,呵呵很可爱。我喜欢乖巧的小孩。

头发很乱。我想留长。

避风港

家里装修过,厨房浴室跟厕所都动过了土,冰箱位子有所改变,加上之前换了新沙发,有点感觉我家不像我家。不变的是温暖的感觉。回家了。我,回家了。我是念旧的人,一开始会觉得怪怪的,厕所和浴室好像变小了,沙发太高了,洗手盆太远了,不过不能否认的,这家越来越舒服,让人越来越慵懒。

说离开了很多次,这次也许真的就结束了。她是个很好的女孩,只是我不是她要的。单方面的梦想是实现不到的。说她自私,我何尝不是?很多破坏性的话和事,我都在毫无理智的情况下说了做了。我想我做的不够好,都很任性。我想我最后又做错了一件事,信封没有封上,没有做好对她的保护,我的过失。但愿家人真的没有看到,或者看不懂华文,当初写华文的由衷就是怕会被看到,不过还是我的愚蠢,没把事情做好。如果我带来任何你和家人的困扰,我真的很对不起...也只能说最不起。我果然很笨。

如果时间能够倒流,我不介意回到我住院的那个星期,改变刚结束的那个学期所发生的事。我愿意再病一次。

我怎么就不能成熟些呢?

我逃回了避风港。

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

失心


‘也是我要的’
一直以来,我找借口,是因为家人。我错了。
就算泪水流尽,
呐喊得再大声,
把木墙打碎了,
把拳头磨得流血,
把声音喊得沙哑,
也改变不了,你要的,不是我,不是男生。
我死心了,还有什么可以说?
我把木墙打出一个洞了,怎么办?
给你我的心,却把它给丢了。
捡回来的心一次比一次不堪入眼。
再见了,我的爱.
Goodbye,my love. Take care.

tag

[个人资料]
眞實名字: 张嘉雯
暱稱: kaven,小狼,狼狼
年齡:20
星座:双鱼
血型:O
喜歡吃什麽:zukulat
討厭吃什麽:青色的菜,苦苦的菜

說出心裏話
[請填下眞實資料]
你心目中人的姓氏:
你心目中人的暱稱:
rose
你心目中人和你的年齡差別: 3年
你喜歡他什麽: 不知道。可爱单纯善良。就是喜欢。
你喜歡他幾個月: 一年
你有情敵嗎:
你有好朋友喜歡他嗎:
没有

他知道你喜歡他嗎: 知道

你曾經因爲他心痛嗎: 很多
你曾經因爲他受傷嗎: physically,nope.
你曾經因爲他吃醋嗎: 都酸死了
你們吵架過嗎:

必填
[請填下眞實資料]
誰傳達給你這份問卷:
PS
你收到問卷,感覺如何:
又被bomb
他如果和你告白,你會怎樣:
I know u lup me~i lup u too~
你喜歡他嗎: 喜欢~
你身邊有朋友喜歡他嗎:身边,没有
如果他暗戀你,你會怎樣: 拿大便丢他~
他有可能和你在一起嗎:
不会~
他是同性戀嗎: 不是不是

[請填下眞實資料]
你有幾次戀愛經驗: 1,2,3,这次算吗?4
告白失敗了,你會繼續嗎: 继续等,直到看不到希望
你擁有的暗戀經驗,深嗎: 有,深到~
暗戀感覺舒服嗎:爽
个屁


過去
[請填下眞實資料]
你有可能喜歡你前一任在一起嗎:这个问题句子有问题,我不明白
他再次向你表白,你會:
前任?哦
現在對他的印象怎樣,爲什麽:
很有女人味,很美
對他還有感覺嗎:
没有
長得怎樣:

分手是誰提的:
一起
他討厭你嗎:
曾经有过吧
和他曾經過幾壘了:
有几垒就几垒
會後悔和他在一起嗎
不会
會想回去以前和他在一起的日子嗎:不会。不健康
你們以現在的情況遇見,是怎樣:过得怎样?还好吗?
會因爲過去吵架嗎:
不会,没有在联络
以前的日子開心嗎:
恋爱刚开始都是开心的
以前的日子幸福嗎:
恋爱刚开始都是幸福的
對他感情很深嗎:
不是很深,很快就过了。

中學生戀情
[請填下眞實資料]
你網戀過嗎:
都是网上开始的
你在學校和他的遇見是怎樣呢:
没有同校的
你們是怎樣認識的:
网上啦
學校知道你們關係嗎:
不知道
對方父母知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
你的父母知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
全班同學知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
對他感覺如何:
哪个啊?
将到来的情人节,你们如何慶祝:
大家都在庆祝农历新年

tagged by PS

Monday, December 14, 2009

或许问题不在于她?在于我们?
I don't understand.
I know I am being difficult,
but don't need to left me out,
I will walk out if necessary.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

还是有火

当一个人觉得你有问题,
可能是哪个人自己有问题。

当两个人觉得你有问题,
也可能是那两个人自己有问题。

当三个人觉得你有问题!
也可能是那三个人的问题,
有可能是因为互相影响嘛或者流言蜚语嘛~

可是如果大家都觉得你有问题的时候,
我想你应该去撞墙然后去照照镜子,
如果你还是觉得自己没有问题,是大家的问题的话,
去看心理医生,
你很有可能有Personaliy Disorder。

女人,我觉得你人格有问题。是不是Personality Disorder我就不知道了,老师说不可以乱乱拿着课本到处diagnose人家~

我不爽,是有原因的。
你看不到?我来告诉你。
你感觉得到?我看不到。我看到恶心,感觉很假。
火烧屋了。至少在我在烧着。
Before我continue攻击,
你应该是时候听兄弟们的说法了。
不止我一个。
She doesn't deserve you.

I don't like your girlfriend

我在气。
不知道在气什么。
气那个女人的人品问题吗,
还是在气兄弟不争气,
还是在气她把时间都给了她。
我在气。
气得很郁闷。
鸟蛋的,
第一次用英文骂一个八婆,
当然不是当面骂。
恶劣的女人。
不要她啦!
出去玩吧出去玩吧!
听她跟你装可爱的声音我觉得很恶心!
事情就是到了这么严重的地步!
她二十六岁我十二岁也!
跟我计较有够成熟。

Saturday, December 12, 2009

一个人感觉寂寞不开心时看文很好,
让你忘了时间,忘了饥饿,忘了口渴,忘了自己。
看到某些熟悉的对白,想起某人的语气,又让我鼻子酸红了眼。
至少可以从别人的故事里受到幸福的感染,
或者知道世界上有很多更纠结的情感故事,自感安慰一下。

今天我在逃。
或许都逃了几天了。
考试有时候是个好事,
很好的借口。

Thursday, December 10, 2009

deep thoughts

Sometimes we say hurtful things when we are mad.
We didn't mean to hurt the other person,
but maybe because we care so much and so helpless of the situation,
that we don't want to care anymore.
Or maybe we say things to hurt the other person to let them understand our pain.
Examples,
A helpless mother say to her drug addict son:
'Go and don't come back. I won't care about you anymore.'
She really don't care anymore? Or she is helpless do anything to help her son anymore?
A tb say to her girlfriend:
'Stop telling me how nice he treats u. I don't want to care anymore.'
'yea he kisses you or touches you god knows where,I won't care. Even if you sleep with him, I won't care anymore'
Yea right,don't care. Heart broken inside, but she can't stop her lover from turning straight.

If you notice,couple who are in closed intimacy stage, they don't talk. They whisper. They don't need to be loud and clear to make sure their message get across. Their hearts are at closed distance.
That's why people who are arguing raise their voices. They want to make sure the other person hear what they are saying. They want to be heard. Their hearts are at distance. Far apart.

Sometimes we know there is no more hope and future. But the past memories are holding us back. Those sweet memories are torturous. Make us stuck.
'I know there is no more future. But I'm stuck, I can't let go.'
'Move on already. Can't you see she doesn't care anymore?'
'I know. Ok.'
And we keep trying and trying. Useless effort. Not enough strong-will? Use some CBT might be helpful maybe?

There are a lot of confusions in this world. Even if we keep asking 'why why why why' won't get any answers. Painful it is, such is life, but still have to keep moving on. Earth don't turn backward. If the world ends tomorrow,what you will do?

家里有个女人不懂是发猫的脾气还是发人的脾气。不对,首先应该是:不懂是风或者气流的关系,还是发脾气的关系,一直关门很大声。
我跟猫猫说:‘let's bet。 等下又会听到‘砰’一声~’
一,二,三, 砰!
嘿嘿,I win~
当然,不是今天,是上个星期五?六?

有人把东西搬了出去,
又一件一件的搬了回来。
欠着的八百块,
托拉着感情,
结果变成了一千八。
感情里大家都是傻子。只能说她太厉害了。我不喜欢她。男人才走,就把兄弟钓?调?回来。

喂,你给她的时间太多了,快点把自己还给我们一下,兄弟很久没有一起出去了,喝茶也好。你看,不是我不理你,是你把自己都给了她,我怎么理你?快点看快点看,然后click reply。

I like cute stuff!

I like cute stuff,if you still don't know. I like cute and unique stuffs, with meaning or without meaning, such as:

My milk water bottle

My favourite! Tuzki!

The Anizo!

Sometimes very emo sometimes lovely Pon (and Zi)

And my latest finding the local-produced illustration: Wonderkitten by Lois Loo

Wonderkitten and his/her(?) friends came out in tees and canvas. I bought 1 myself, which look like

It came in a sort-of pocket bag with a wonderkitten logo.

And also a mini booklet-liked thing (I have problem naming things I guess)
I like the illustration of this tee because it comes with a meaning:

And woohoo,the size fits me!
To see more wonderkitten illustration and products,click HERE.
Support 'ka ki lang' (orang sendiri) XD~

p/s:Lois can I get discount for my next buy? XD

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

dead kitten

My heart ached whenever I saw dead animals on road. Today, I saw a kitten. At middle of the road of entering ss2. I'm at guilt. I saw blood and I think I saw its tail moved when I passed by for the first time. I was too shock that I refuse to look at it in detail. I felt unsettled. So I went back for second time. It was too late. Too horrible to describe. Maybe it wasn't dead yet when I passed by the first time. My hesitation made me at guilt of it's death. If human are ignorant pigs, I'm one of them. Many ran-over animals died on road. Often in horrible stage that I would not want to describe. It is plain heartache. Today I'm at guilt. I hesitated. I'm at guilt.

Sometimes I wonder what if that was my dog who got run-over by traffic on road? What if it was Milky? or Xiao Wei the new kitten in house? They were strays before we adopted them. Every stray animals have high chance of being run-over by traffic in this modern age. That's why I wouldn't let Milky go wonder even after she's spayed. Last year I didnt' adopt a limped kitten and she died by ran-over. I couldn't help myself but wonder what will happen to her if I adopt her and keep her in house. She would probably still very much alive.

When human get into accident on road, at least someone will stop and help. But when an animal get into accident on road, hit and run happens and nobody will even notice the suffering animal on road. They will just die in suffering and without dignity.
I am scare.


Prior: I usually say, "Fuck the truth," but mostly, the truth fucks you.

-quoted from "Angels In America"

Monday, December 7, 2009


the past and the future is tearing me apart.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

killing motive

If I were a serial killer,
my target victims would be male young working adult,
or walking seafood called 'lala' guys,
especially those who woo girls in club,
no matter acquaintances or colleagues or friends,
yes they will be my target.
Method of killing?
Physical assault using body combat or whatever materials,
preferable punches or kick at face or stomach,
constantly deliver blows to the victims,
beat until death.
Location?
Outside clubs or nearby victims house where victims are alone.

Call me men hater or psychopath,
This is what I felt today.
I feel like I'm just a piece of shit.
Yea you make me feel that way.
Worthless and piece of shit.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

早安

担心在乎的人的安危,很自然。不够有时候我觉得自己有点太过紧张。过了平时联系的时间还没有收到一封信息,我会发狂,坐立不安,拼命打电话信息,想办法联系那人身边的朋友,只为确定她的安危。这算太紧张吗?

在乎的人晚上出去,就算告诉了我跟谁跟谁去哪里做些什么,太夜了还没有一封信息告诉我她回家了,我也会发狂,坐立不安,拼命打电话信息,想要确定她的安危。
有时候我真的觉得我自己真的太过紧张,这么大一个人,会照顾自己吧。而且是跟朋友,不会有事的。 不过课本上说46%的rape case的rapist都是victim的friends/acquaintances。你说我应不应该担心?

一整天没有信息,以为应为工作很累所以早睡,我有点焦虑,不过尽量把不好的想法压下来,告诉自己她在睡觉,没事的。醒来第一件事就是打电话给她,想要确定你安全,嗯很好,安全在家,不过昨晚安不安全,我无力去问。我凭什么问?

那句为什么没有告诉我,我用了句号。
我很冷。

喝温水加盐或加糖吧,如果没有姜。

昨晚teh tarik太大杯了。

委屈

狼仔很委屈的打电话回家。
狼仔(哭腔):‘妈~’
狼妈:‘诶孩子怎么啦?在外头受到了委屈了?’
狼仔委屈的哭诉:‘妈~她不要我(哽咽)......因为....我不是男孩子。’
狼妈:‘啊?傻孩子,你不是男孩子又怎样?你不比男孩子差啊!’
狼仔:‘为什么你不把我生成男孩呢?我就不会被那么女孩们嫌弃了。’
狼妈:‘傻孩子啊,她们嫌弃你是她们没眼光啊!妈妈眼里你比很多男孩子优秀!你之所以是现在的你因为你是女孩子啊!’
狼仔:‘那为什么她们都不要我呢?原本还说我很好很体贴啊,可是现在怎么不要我了呢?呜呜~’
狼妈:‘就因为你是女孩子所以她们才会喜欢上你啊,因为你是女孩子所以你才会那么体贴啊!乖,她们不要你是她们的损失,错过了一个那么疼爱她们的人。乖,没关系,阿,不论怎样你都是妈的乖孩子啊。’


以上对话纯属虚构。

感觉很委屈时萌出打电话回家跟妈妈抱怨的想法。
很少打电话回家的我,如果在电话里哭,应该会吓死我妈。
借机出柜的话,会得到妈妈的安慰,不过我妈会失眠很多夜。

Thursday, December 3, 2009

forbidden love?

I had a dream just now.
She came back,but stayed with her friend. I met her in a mall or something just to pass her her prize. She was with her friend. I was alone. We were face to face,standing in some mall or what. I looked at her with my eyes,she felt I was sad. I gave her the prize without saying anything,and I turn and walk away,silently. She was hesitated to say something,but I didn't turn back because there were tears in my eyes.
It wasn't really a dream, but my pre-sleep imagination of what will happen the next time I meet her. And it makes me damn sad.

I wonder how many couples had broken up or can't be together in the name of God or 'good daughter'/ 'good son' family role? Religion and family teared lovers apart.