Sunday, January 31, 2010

把悲伤藏在看不到的地方,
却原来极度的压抑真的会以梦境呈现出来。
一个梦,
原来我还是那么无助,
悲伤,无可奈何的愤怒,
歇斯底里的呐喊咒骂,
在梦里的歇斯底里不再理智,
与现实里的无奈成了对比。

就真的这样吗?
忘不了?也得不到?

心中有个刺,
不想去拔掉,
不懂为什么。
想把它当透明,
其实已经当透明了很久了。
我知道如果不拔掉这刺,
将会是终身的遗憾。
却还是莫名其妙的忽视这个刺,
我也不懂我到底怎么了。

so near,yet so far.
就好像快触不到了。

孤僻,浑身的孤僻。
去掉,通通去掉。
网上网下两个人。
交心网上面具网下。
怎么就跟人倒反呢?
Writing is always easier than talking for me.
I do the listening,You do the talking.
Fair and square.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

透明

被人当透明,没关系,习惯了,我也当自己透明。
格格不入,没关系,我本来就是独行侠。
很想破口大骂,算了,都没有错。
很愤怒,只是无奈盖过一切。

孤单,是一个人的狂欢;
狂欢,是一群人的孤单。

叶子。街角的祝福。

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

let me be

让我活在不属于我的世界,
让我二十四小时不用睡觉,
让我什么都不用做,自由的让我看小说看戏,
让我没有悲伤没有爱没有自卑没有感情,
就当我不是人,
让我活在pokemon里那个单纯的世界,digimon也行,七龙珠就更有型,
让我虚荣,当某故事里那个有170的高度帅气风流潇洒的帅T,
为什么还是T呢?因为T比男人帅气有型出众。
让我不是我,
让我忘了2009。

感情皆虚,唯有知识与金钱为实。

Let me live in a world that doesn't belong to me,
let me stay awake for 24 hours without sleep,
let me do nothing,but read those stories online and watch movies,
let me be numb, emotionless and empty,pretend that I'm not human.
Let me stay in a fictional world,
let me be what I'm not,
make me forget 2009.

如果爱过的人是那么的无情,宁愿把一切都忘了。
可回忆却是那么的清晰。

Monday, January 18, 2010

spend money buy happy

Previous post was my 300th post,hooray.
Spent a lot of money this month. But I didn't simply spent,I swear. Motor's serviced RM60++gone, Milky's food RM60++ gone, rental RM130++ gone, textbook RM70 gone(more to come), laptop stuff RM120 gone, books RM60++ gone, shirt, RM89 gone. Now I'm trying to minimize my daily expense with only RM3 on food everyday,heheh,don't worry,I'm not starving myself or on diet. Some of the things I bought:

A pendrive, a mini vacuum, a Cyber Clean ('high-tech' laptop cleaner) and a laptop skin

So cute right?looks like Sin Chan's dog Xiao Bai with a teru teru bozu. Too bad it's too huge for my laptop,so it's pretty much wasted.

This Cyber Clean yellow jelly thingy reminds me of Robbin Williams's movie Flubber!

And yesterday I went KLCC alone. I love kinokuniya! So variety of books!Too many English books recently,so this time I spent on Chinese book:

Echo(三毛,read all her books before during high school),Ou Yang Wen Feng (欧阳文风,he's Malaysian,he's sociologist,he's priest or whatever that called,and he's gay!),Ping Ton Comic (平旦漫画,local comic!u know wut is 4896?it was from him!).

And this is from Topman, RM89.5 after 50% discount.

People said spending money will makes you happy,hell yea,I think it is getting what you want that makes you happy. But give me more books that I want,I'm sure I'll be happy too!

Friday, January 15, 2010

missing

I miss her. But I couldn't message her to tell her this anymore. Nor call her and listen to her voice and tell her I miss her. No I can't because I'd said I'll leave her alone and won't disturb her anymore. But not a day I didn't think of her, think of us. There were nights that I was lucky to be tired enough to slip into deep sleep right after I laid on bed. But there were also many nights I spent laying awake thinking and missing her,cried myself to sleep. These few days it's getting worse,since I got back here,I feel very much alone,I...... Life goes on, life goes on. She just came by,I know. I just miss her so much,miss her so much,but it won't change anything,I can't change anything,you understand? Life goes on, her life, and my life.

Two lines crossed and became one.But now they were separated and became two different lines again,heading to different direction.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

再说

有人生下来就是Prince Charming,加上后天的努力,更加charm死人。
有人生下来属于角落的一部分,默默无名。忧郁吧忧郁吧,快变成忧郁王子吧。

深深的喜欢一个人,出尽全力对她好,像小孩对喜爱的玩具的霸占一样地想占有欲,也像饿狼强烈霸占着食物时那样凶狠的强烈保护着我以为属于我的人。
想像着她投入别人的怀抱,那种感觉很难受,很难受。
假装假装假装多好,我很不好其实,我还是很难过其实,我不想看到你的名字了其实,我很脆弱其实,我很想痛哭其实。
范逸臣的那首歌‘再说’:
再说,你本来就,迟早会离开我。
对啊,本来就会离开的。我很神。请叫我神奇的小狼。

Friday, January 8, 2010

two,time

我回来了,Milky瘦到看到肋骨了。也不是没有人喂,没有人放它活动,所以很有可能就是见不到我忧郁成病。至少我知道这个世界上除了家人的挂念,还有我狗会想念我。买了狗罐头,决定要让它长肉!可是不得不担心下个月新年怎么办?肯定又会瘦回来的。

我有两个老朋友+好朋友,现在我二十一岁,可以说我跟他们相识了十多年了。都是小学同学一起上中学的,其中一个在小学时就很要好,每天早上上课前会绕着校园走走散步谈心事,也曾经因为生气不小心互掴巴掌后闹翻不讲话几天,就是会在乎对方的那种。我们三个在中学一起当图书管理员,各自在课外活动上都被委于重任。现在我们三个都在读着不同领域的科系,她们在UM,一个医学系一个计算系,我们现在的所在地住得比在家乡的所在地还要近,可是就很少见面。好了,这个拜六我们聚餐去~ 有着这样的老朋友感觉真好~

难过没什么大不了,人人都会难过。失去了重要的东西当然会难过,应该会难过,自然会难过,不难过的才不正常。我难过,可是我不颓废,我有吃东西有喝水,我打扫房间洗衣服,我过日子。

Within 24 hours in a day,there are certain minutes that unconsciously reminded me someone is at work,someone just finish working hour,someone should be back 哀痛 home.
MSN的头像让我知道她在家还是她出去了,跟朋友出去喝茶吗?Dating去了吗?都只是我瞎猜。过去的习惯让我自以为是的认为她在某时某刻是在做什么。自然的提醒,我在挂念。

我没有刻意躲起来,我承受着,我想我在学习着,学习着承受。我一直在你看得到我的地方,没有走开。我害怕知道,我害怕难过,所以你不说,我不会问。

Two is better than one.我一直那么认为。感伤,you were my another one,but now I don't know whether you'd found your another one.

她喜欢Taylor Swift.反正她很少来,我就在这里抒发算了。 在我地方这就得听我的!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010

Dell Inspiron 1440 very high tech,why? It have a software called Fast Access Face Recognition. What for? You can either type password by your own or only need to show your face in front of laptop to sign into Window. Cool eh?
这新电脑很好玩~那个自动认可脸登入的很好玩~ 不过要我嫌弃的话还是有的,例如keyboard too hard,wider screen but same size of font,which makes my eyes @.@.

把自己弄得很累才上床睡觉,避免想太多过去,避免眼睛出水。

觉得为什么女人对我们那么冷血无情,怎么说抛下我们就抛下了,怎么不顾过去的感情呢?就算每天夜里睡前都会思念流泪,也不能改变什么,也就只能生活继续,该吃喝玩乐时就吃喝玩乐,尽量不去打扰她的生活。

2010年的凌晨我似乎写了什么发过信息给她,又似乎哭得像个小孩在干姐的安慰中平息下来,又似乎向干姐含糊说了什么想要诉说。醉醒后也没去求证,那outbox我没敢去开,我不记得我写了什么。

我想要平凡的生活,有她;她也想要平凡的生活,真的平凡的,没有我的份的。我才刚二十一,还是个学生,怎么给她平凡生活呢?她选择是对的,已不再是只要爱情什么都可以舍弃的年龄,而且为我也不值得,我给不了什么。此刻我还是难过的,甚至是自卑的,可我已理解不能强求,她没错,我也没错。

我是平凡的,平庸的,我不出色,不管哪方面,我没大志,尽管我想过不甘于平凡,却又是那么的平庸。些许的自卑自闭,烦躁于人多场合,喜欢平静安静,凡凡之辈。

看着来访者的来处,带着些许期待,然后些许的失望。

2010新的一年也没什么不同。生活继续,没什么可以改变,除了岁数和写下日期是的数字。会想起去年的同样日期同样时间的人和事,你还记得吗?伤心的事不应该带进新的一年,可是回忆不能忘。