Wednesday, December 30, 2009

一日同行

I have a new lappie. But nope, I'm not using it now. My modem is too old to compatible with the new lappie's OS Window 7. That's why I don't like new technology or new gadget.
我有新电脑笔记了,可是那modem插进USB却没反应,支撑不到新科技。都说我是念旧的人。

我不提及不代表我不想念。
思念藏心底,有几次差点露了出来,还是不打扰的好。
心慌心烦,逃了。
你,不看了,不会懂。无所谓。

一直在看故事,中文英文交替看,好多个故事,有时自己都懵了,忘了这个主角是哪个故事的。
有一个特别让我有感触。Copy and paste吧。

“嫉妒袭来
  (呵呵,朋友们,听艾镜谈到嫉妒一定有点陌生吧)
  但是它当时还是来了,平静的海面底下,嫉妒暗涌
  他不英俊,他没有气质,他没有才华,他没有聪慧,他没有对等的家世……他没有他没有……
  我想着这些平静而出神地对他笑着,觉得自己甚至有点鬼魅
  嫉妒……如果对方强过自己会嫉妒,原来对方不够好更会嫉妒,我宁愿他好到无人能比,无法舍弃……我此刻也能心甘一点
  …………
  我想做对,我想讽刺……
  但是
  不行!
   我心里一个声音告诉我不行!因为我又看到了她,我刚刚的目光里只是盯死了那个男人的平庸,一直没有看向可爱的她……她此刻恬淡地眯着眼睛看着天花板,嘴 角上扬,呼吸像小湖上的波纹,天真的她,现在不再惊慌和害怕,她发现我和他在和平融洽地相处在一起,这也许是她没有想象过的画面吧,那么和谐那么宁静。她 隐藏过我,迫使我回避,怕我的心想些什么感受到些什么。
  但是她现在似乎觉得一切都可以轻松下来,因为没有人伤害他人。
  没有人伤害他人……
  鬼魅从脸上消失,眼睛里露出真诚
  眼睛要看着自己的爱人,心里产生的才是爱,当内心衍生出愤恨和嫉妒的时候,我们会发现,眼里的主角早已换成了他人,而不是爱人。”


“我写出我们之前略 有悲伤略有迷茫但是最终勇敢和坚定的过程,其实是想和大家分享心态,我的一个朋友告诉我,在爱里常常会出现一方表面的冷漠换来另一方的自我保护,于是那种 出于自我保护的骄傲更加深地伤害对方,于是出现重重的自我保护和伤害。人在爱里是很容易受到伤害的,而这伤害的来源是不可思议的,因为往往是对方爱的方 式,那方式与我们的需要有区别,于是伤害产生了。
  请跨越这些,我们这个群体,爱是不容易的,却也是美到不真实的,所以何苦让现实中的垃圾困扰你的爱呢?太多的形式主义的在一起,太多的现实阻碍,太多的自认为不可能,太多的自私自利……
  让它们远离,只让纯粹的心灵互相拥抱
  我想说:福分足够用”



摘自天涯一路同行 《我爱她,比我大十几岁的一个女人》,作者艾镜

原来爱可以那么无私无计较。

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

我有很型的老婆

傍晚骑着我的老婆去兜风。住宅区小路无需戴铁帽,微风习习迎面而来,很让心情愉快。我想我的脸是一路很拽的笑着,因为我的老婆很有型。在熟悉的的小路上奔驰,每次回来都会回去学校的篮球场兜一圈,鸟脚有在的话一定会兜去她家找她。

这里的人都很随和。屋后有一个荒废的Majlis Perbandaran storeroom。有道友在里面逍遥,是一个uncle。昨天带狗散布时发现的,因为另一个uncle走进去好像是在交易。这道友的来访似乎已经有一段时间了,我爸妈都不以为意,这里没有人会去理的。

我家邻居的媳妇好像来了亲戚。亲戚里有一个好象是自家人,长发t吧,泰国来的华侨。我家邻居很妙,小儿子变了性,大儿子娶泰国人。

刚才出去吃饭看到一个小妹妹,一副很乖巧的样子,应该只有7,8岁吧,戴副小眼镜了。爸爸抽烟,小妹妹捏着鼻子喝水,呵呵很可爱。我喜欢乖巧的小孩。

头发很乱。我想留长。

避风港

家里装修过,厨房浴室跟厕所都动过了土,冰箱位子有所改变,加上之前换了新沙发,有点感觉我家不像我家。不变的是温暖的感觉。回家了。我,回家了。我是念旧的人,一开始会觉得怪怪的,厕所和浴室好像变小了,沙发太高了,洗手盆太远了,不过不能否认的,这家越来越舒服,让人越来越慵懒。

说离开了很多次,这次也许真的就结束了。她是个很好的女孩,只是我不是她要的。单方面的梦想是实现不到的。说她自私,我何尝不是?很多破坏性的话和事,我都在毫无理智的情况下说了做了。我想我做的不够好,都很任性。我想我最后又做错了一件事,信封没有封上,没有做好对她的保护,我的过失。但愿家人真的没有看到,或者看不懂华文,当初写华文的由衷就是怕会被看到,不过还是我的愚蠢,没把事情做好。如果我带来任何你和家人的困扰,我真的很对不起...也只能说最不起。我果然很笨。

如果时间能够倒流,我不介意回到我住院的那个星期,改变刚结束的那个学期所发生的事。我愿意再病一次。

我怎么就不能成熟些呢?

我逃回了避风港。

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

失心


‘也是我要的’
一直以来,我找借口,是因为家人。我错了。
就算泪水流尽,
呐喊得再大声,
把木墙打碎了,
把拳头磨得流血,
把声音喊得沙哑,
也改变不了,你要的,不是我,不是男生。
我死心了,还有什么可以说?
我把木墙打出一个洞了,怎么办?
给你我的心,却把它给丢了。
捡回来的心一次比一次不堪入眼。
再见了,我的爱.
Goodbye,my love. Take care.

tag

[个人资料]
眞實名字: 张嘉雯
暱稱: kaven,小狼,狼狼
年齡:20
星座:双鱼
血型:O
喜歡吃什麽:zukulat
討厭吃什麽:青色的菜,苦苦的菜

說出心裏話
[請填下眞實資料]
你心目中人的姓氏:
你心目中人的暱稱:
rose
你心目中人和你的年齡差別: 3年
你喜歡他什麽: 不知道。可爱单纯善良。就是喜欢。
你喜歡他幾個月: 一年
你有情敵嗎:
你有好朋友喜歡他嗎:
没有

他知道你喜歡他嗎: 知道

你曾經因爲他心痛嗎: 很多
你曾經因爲他受傷嗎: physically,nope.
你曾經因爲他吃醋嗎: 都酸死了
你們吵架過嗎:

必填
[請填下眞實資料]
誰傳達給你這份問卷:
PS
你收到問卷,感覺如何:
又被bomb
他如果和你告白,你會怎樣:
I know u lup me~i lup u too~
你喜歡他嗎: 喜欢~
你身邊有朋友喜歡他嗎:身边,没有
如果他暗戀你,你會怎樣: 拿大便丢他~
他有可能和你在一起嗎:
不会~
他是同性戀嗎: 不是不是

[請填下眞實資料]
你有幾次戀愛經驗: 1,2,3,这次算吗?4
告白失敗了,你會繼續嗎: 继续等,直到看不到希望
你擁有的暗戀經驗,深嗎: 有,深到~
暗戀感覺舒服嗎:爽
个屁


過去
[請填下眞實資料]
你有可能喜歡你前一任在一起嗎:这个问题句子有问题,我不明白
他再次向你表白,你會:
前任?哦
現在對他的印象怎樣,爲什麽:
很有女人味,很美
對他還有感覺嗎:
没有
長得怎樣:

分手是誰提的:
一起
他討厭你嗎:
曾经有过吧
和他曾經過幾壘了:
有几垒就几垒
會後悔和他在一起嗎
不会
會想回去以前和他在一起的日子嗎:不会。不健康
你們以現在的情況遇見,是怎樣:过得怎样?还好吗?
會因爲過去吵架嗎:
不会,没有在联络
以前的日子開心嗎:
恋爱刚开始都是开心的
以前的日子幸福嗎:
恋爱刚开始都是幸福的
對他感情很深嗎:
不是很深,很快就过了。

中學生戀情
[請填下眞實資料]
你網戀過嗎:
都是网上开始的
你在學校和他的遇見是怎樣呢:
没有同校的
你們是怎樣認識的:
网上啦
學校知道你們關係嗎:
不知道
對方父母知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
你的父母知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
全班同學知道你們的關係嗎:
不知道
對他感覺如何:
哪个啊?
将到来的情人节,你们如何慶祝:
大家都在庆祝农历新年

tagged by PS

Monday, December 14, 2009

或许问题不在于她?在于我们?
I don't understand.
I know I am being difficult,
but don't need to left me out,
I will walk out if necessary.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

还是有火

当一个人觉得你有问题,
可能是哪个人自己有问题。

当两个人觉得你有问题,
也可能是那两个人自己有问题。

当三个人觉得你有问题!
也可能是那三个人的问题,
有可能是因为互相影响嘛或者流言蜚语嘛~

可是如果大家都觉得你有问题的时候,
我想你应该去撞墙然后去照照镜子,
如果你还是觉得自己没有问题,是大家的问题的话,
去看心理医生,
你很有可能有Personaliy Disorder。

女人,我觉得你人格有问题。是不是Personality Disorder我就不知道了,老师说不可以乱乱拿着课本到处diagnose人家~

我不爽,是有原因的。
你看不到?我来告诉你。
你感觉得到?我看不到。我看到恶心,感觉很假。
火烧屋了。至少在我在烧着。
Before我continue攻击,
你应该是时候听兄弟们的说法了。
不止我一个。
She doesn't deserve you.

I don't like your girlfriend

我在气。
不知道在气什么。
气那个女人的人品问题吗,
还是在气兄弟不争气,
还是在气她把时间都给了她。
我在气。
气得很郁闷。
鸟蛋的,
第一次用英文骂一个八婆,
当然不是当面骂。
恶劣的女人。
不要她啦!
出去玩吧出去玩吧!
听她跟你装可爱的声音我觉得很恶心!
事情就是到了这么严重的地步!
她二十六岁我十二岁也!
跟我计较有够成熟。

Saturday, December 12, 2009

一个人感觉寂寞不开心时看文很好,
让你忘了时间,忘了饥饿,忘了口渴,忘了自己。
看到某些熟悉的对白,想起某人的语气,又让我鼻子酸红了眼。
至少可以从别人的故事里受到幸福的感染,
或者知道世界上有很多更纠结的情感故事,自感安慰一下。

今天我在逃。
或许都逃了几天了。
考试有时候是个好事,
很好的借口。

Thursday, December 10, 2009

deep thoughts

Sometimes we say hurtful things when we are mad.
We didn't mean to hurt the other person,
but maybe because we care so much and so helpless of the situation,
that we don't want to care anymore.
Or maybe we say things to hurt the other person to let them understand our pain.
Examples,
A helpless mother say to her drug addict son:
'Go and don't come back. I won't care about you anymore.'
She really don't care anymore? Or she is helpless do anything to help her son anymore?
A tb say to her girlfriend:
'Stop telling me how nice he treats u. I don't want to care anymore.'
'yea he kisses you or touches you god knows where,I won't care. Even if you sleep with him, I won't care anymore'
Yea right,don't care. Heart broken inside, but she can't stop her lover from turning straight.

If you notice,couple who are in closed intimacy stage, they don't talk. They whisper. They don't need to be loud and clear to make sure their message get across. Their hearts are at closed distance.
That's why people who are arguing raise their voices. They want to make sure the other person hear what they are saying. They want to be heard. Their hearts are at distance. Far apart.

Sometimes we know there is no more hope and future. But the past memories are holding us back. Those sweet memories are torturous. Make us stuck.
'I know there is no more future. But I'm stuck, I can't let go.'
'Move on already. Can't you see she doesn't care anymore?'
'I know. Ok.'
And we keep trying and trying. Useless effort. Not enough strong-will? Use some CBT might be helpful maybe?

There are a lot of confusions in this world. Even if we keep asking 'why why why why' won't get any answers. Painful it is, such is life, but still have to keep moving on. Earth don't turn backward. If the world ends tomorrow,what you will do?

家里有个女人不懂是发猫的脾气还是发人的脾气。不对,首先应该是:不懂是风或者气流的关系,还是发脾气的关系,一直关门很大声。
我跟猫猫说:‘let's bet。 等下又会听到‘砰’一声~’
一,二,三, 砰!
嘿嘿,I win~
当然,不是今天,是上个星期五?六?

有人把东西搬了出去,
又一件一件的搬了回来。
欠着的八百块,
托拉着感情,
结果变成了一千八。
感情里大家都是傻子。只能说她太厉害了。我不喜欢她。男人才走,就把兄弟钓?调?回来。

喂,你给她的时间太多了,快点把自己还给我们一下,兄弟很久没有一起出去了,喝茶也好。你看,不是我不理你,是你把自己都给了她,我怎么理你?快点看快点看,然后click reply。

I like cute stuff!

I like cute stuff,if you still don't know. I like cute and unique stuffs, with meaning or without meaning, such as:

My milk water bottle

My favourite! Tuzki!

The Anizo!

Sometimes very emo sometimes lovely Pon (and Zi)

And my latest finding the local-produced illustration: Wonderkitten by Lois Loo

Wonderkitten and his/her(?) friends came out in tees and canvas. I bought 1 myself, which look like

It came in a sort-of pocket bag with a wonderkitten logo.

And also a mini booklet-liked thing (I have problem naming things I guess)
I like the illustration of this tee because it comes with a meaning:

And woohoo,the size fits me!
To see more wonderkitten illustration and products,click HERE.
Support 'ka ki lang' (orang sendiri) XD~

p/s:Lois can I get discount for my next buy? XD

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

dead kitten

My heart ached whenever I saw dead animals on road. Today, I saw a kitten. At middle of the road of entering ss2. I'm at guilt. I saw blood and I think I saw its tail moved when I passed by for the first time. I was too shock that I refuse to look at it in detail. I felt unsettled. So I went back for second time. It was too late. Too horrible to describe. Maybe it wasn't dead yet when I passed by the first time. My hesitation made me at guilt of it's death. If human are ignorant pigs, I'm one of them. Many ran-over animals died on road. Often in horrible stage that I would not want to describe. It is plain heartache. Today I'm at guilt. I hesitated. I'm at guilt.

Sometimes I wonder what if that was my dog who got run-over by traffic on road? What if it was Milky? or Xiao Wei the new kitten in house? They were strays before we adopted them. Every stray animals have high chance of being run-over by traffic in this modern age. That's why I wouldn't let Milky go wonder even after she's spayed. Last year I didnt' adopt a limped kitten and she died by ran-over. I couldn't help myself but wonder what will happen to her if I adopt her and keep her in house. She would probably still very much alive.

When human get into accident on road, at least someone will stop and help. But when an animal get into accident on road, hit and run happens and nobody will even notice the suffering animal on road. They will just die in suffering and without dignity.
I am scare.


Prior: I usually say, "Fuck the truth," but mostly, the truth fucks you.

-quoted from "Angels In America"

Monday, December 7, 2009


the past and the future is tearing me apart.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

killing motive

If I were a serial killer,
my target victims would be male young working adult,
or walking seafood called 'lala' guys,
especially those who woo girls in club,
no matter acquaintances or colleagues or friends,
yes they will be my target.
Method of killing?
Physical assault using body combat or whatever materials,
preferable punches or kick at face or stomach,
constantly deliver blows to the victims,
beat until death.
Location?
Outside clubs or nearby victims house where victims are alone.

Call me men hater or psychopath,
This is what I felt today.
I feel like I'm just a piece of shit.
Yea you make me feel that way.
Worthless and piece of shit.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

早安

担心在乎的人的安危,很自然。不够有时候我觉得自己有点太过紧张。过了平时联系的时间还没有收到一封信息,我会发狂,坐立不安,拼命打电话信息,想办法联系那人身边的朋友,只为确定她的安危。这算太紧张吗?

在乎的人晚上出去,就算告诉了我跟谁跟谁去哪里做些什么,太夜了还没有一封信息告诉我她回家了,我也会发狂,坐立不安,拼命打电话信息,想要确定她的安危。
有时候我真的觉得我自己真的太过紧张,这么大一个人,会照顾自己吧。而且是跟朋友,不会有事的。 不过课本上说46%的rape case的rapist都是victim的friends/acquaintances。你说我应不应该担心?

一整天没有信息,以为应为工作很累所以早睡,我有点焦虑,不过尽量把不好的想法压下来,告诉自己她在睡觉,没事的。醒来第一件事就是打电话给她,想要确定你安全,嗯很好,安全在家,不过昨晚安不安全,我无力去问。我凭什么问?

那句为什么没有告诉我,我用了句号。
我很冷。

喝温水加盐或加糖吧,如果没有姜。

昨晚teh tarik太大杯了。

委屈

狼仔很委屈的打电话回家。
狼仔(哭腔):‘妈~’
狼妈:‘诶孩子怎么啦?在外头受到了委屈了?’
狼仔委屈的哭诉:‘妈~她不要我(哽咽)......因为....我不是男孩子。’
狼妈:‘啊?傻孩子,你不是男孩子又怎样?你不比男孩子差啊!’
狼仔:‘为什么你不把我生成男孩呢?我就不会被那么女孩们嫌弃了。’
狼妈:‘傻孩子啊,她们嫌弃你是她们没眼光啊!妈妈眼里你比很多男孩子优秀!你之所以是现在的你因为你是女孩子啊!’
狼仔:‘那为什么她们都不要我呢?原本还说我很好很体贴啊,可是现在怎么不要我了呢?呜呜~’
狼妈:‘就因为你是女孩子所以她们才会喜欢上你啊,因为你是女孩子所以你才会那么体贴啊!乖,她们不要你是她们的损失,错过了一个那么疼爱她们的人。乖,没关系,阿,不论怎样你都是妈的乖孩子啊。’


以上对话纯属虚构。

感觉很委屈时萌出打电话回家跟妈妈抱怨的想法。
很少打电话回家的我,如果在电话里哭,应该会吓死我妈。
借机出柜的话,会得到妈妈的安慰,不过我妈会失眠很多夜。

Thursday, December 3, 2009

forbidden love?

I had a dream just now.
She came back,but stayed with her friend. I met her in a mall or something just to pass her her prize. She was with her friend. I was alone. We were face to face,standing in some mall or what. I looked at her with my eyes,she felt I was sad. I gave her the prize without saying anything,and I turn and walk away,silently. She was hesitated to say something,but I didn't turn back because there were tears in my eyes.
It wasn't really a dream, but my pre-sleep imagination of what will happen the next time I meet her. And it makes me damn sad.

I wonder how many couples had broken up or can't be together in the name of God or 'good daughter'/ 'good son' family role? Religion and family teared lovers apart.

Monday, November 30, 2009

唱歌给你听

输了感情,赢了比赛,
现在很numb。

她是一个很好的女孩,
美丽。可爱。 大方。 温柔。 善良。独立。 成熟却不失单纯。
她说我情人眼里出西施,
或许吧,
不过她就是那种我喜欢的女孩。
有着善良的心,对动物,对人;
节约不乱花钱不奢侈,
我们有着共同点,深深吸引了我。
她的坦白让我觉得很可爱,
就算很生气很伤心也忍不住笑了很无奈。
她喜欢唱歌,很好听,
我的声音像小孩子,唱歌像鸭声,
她说唱歌是可以练习出来的,
我就很羡慕声音好会唱歌的人,
不然我可以唱歌给她听。

再哭给她听她会觉得很sien,因为闹来闹去都不会有我要的答案。
所以就不闹了,闹这里,不过大家会看到很sien,因为都是关于她,她看了也会sien吧。
称赞一下她,都是心里话。
快说成我的女神了都。

比赛赢了很开心,从心里笑出来的开心了一下。就只是一下。
皮肤又晒铜色了,很美。 不过脸晒红了,很痛。
明天又要见牙医。口气很重因为热气,真是不好意思了。

Sunday, November 29, 2009

她说她妹妹说她是les,
我很心疼。

她说她会有男朋友
我很心痛。

都公开了吧
伤心不能跟你分享,就跟大家分享
你是我的知己,爱人
最伤心的事不能跟你哭诉,
我很辛苦
我很痛苦

那些屁股的话通常都是我拿来骂别人,
我会不知道放手比较好过吗?

好人的话,
希望你会找到比我爱你疼你的男人

坏人的话,
男朋友!?去死!

爱的人要的是男朋友
那种很无助的感觉
哭死了也不能怎样的感觉

我要相信有爱过吗?还是只是短暂的电光石火?
重要吗?重要吗?还要问?

我很尽全力的保护你,真的,保护你的一切,
不过我就快崩溃。
你也快被我烦死。
我越过界限了,换来这个,对不起,对不起,是我不够成熟,自己情绪处理不好。

Friday, November 27, 2009

都说我是好人。
但为什么总是让好人伤心?



爱情从来没有因为相爱的是谁?才去甄别爱情有没有意义,会不会在你的生命力铭心刻骨,至死不渝。
  
   我们每一个人在漫长的生命里,何尝没有失去过,我们每一个的七仙女或者是牛郎。
  
    她们(他们)如此美好甚于假想地出现过在我们的面前,她们是如此完整,没有缺失的美,抑或是天性纯良,守望过你寂寞的生命,她们(他们)曾经对你重要甚于 重要过你自己,你和她们(他们)才一遇见,便已经觉得是一生了,像是千万年里,千万人中,没有早一步,也没有晚一步正好遇见。
  
   可是,你还是失去了,在我们为现实颓然退让的回忆里,她们(他们)像你难以忘怀的电影片段鲜活过。但谁能保证你的回忆永不褪色,不会在你终将老去的时候,将这些人生最美的内容还给永不 逆流的时间之河。
   抑或是,你也尚未失去。正在一面欢欣,一面却是茫然的未来,你不清楚你们之间是爱情,还是短暂的电光石火,还是你在一开始就知道躲不开现实的残忍,还有多少爱要隐忍心底,无法言说,还有多少爱,要不得不各安天涯。
  
    我不相信,佛家三世轮回,姻缘前世既定。如果我是那个找僧人开解“缘为何物”的书生,哪怕,在前世只与今世挚爱之人仅一面之缘,或者连一面都不曾得见,这 有何妨?我们是轮回在今世遇见,与前世何干?今生今世,我遇见你,爱上你,那么我们的爱情要在今世求得结果,而不是往世。

摘自《像男孩一样》-王梓翔

Thursday, November 26, 2009

who is the monster?

Was supposed to be studying Abnormal Psych,but came across Ted Bundy so went googled bout it,then end up spending whole night watching documentary of Aileen Wuornos. Who is she? If you'd watch this movie before, you knew half of her story already:

I haven't watch the movie,so I don't know how near it was to her real story. Her real story,probably she herself don't know what was real anymore,as at the near end of her life she seems to be in schizophrenic state or appear to be schizophrenic.
Her whole life was chaotic. She never know her parents. Her parents were her grandparents. Mother abandoned her and her brother since born,father was a child molester and rapist that suicide in prison. Only person that she loved betrayed her (Tyria Moore was nothing look like Christina Ricci I tell you). I believed she did suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder,probably comorbid with other personality disorder as well.
Sad case of being born into wrong family with vulnerable genetic that got messed up by the society.
Everyone seems to be at guilt in that case. Who is the monster actually? The killer? The victim? The society? The legal system? The betrayal lover?
Nature or nurture,both played a role.

A&E Biography-Aileen Wuornos-Part 1


Life and Death of a Serial Killer- part 1

Recommend to watch whole documentary if you're free,hehe~
She was known as first female serial killer in U.S. Also known as 'unique' serial killer because no torture was involved and victim seems to be picked randomly. Her first murder victim was an act of self-defense remained as a myth. Oh well,subsequent victims was intended to pay her for sex and got killed,well not to say they deserve it,but they would pretty much still alive if they were good men that loyal to their wives.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

见牙医记

这是一篇小学式作文。

今天一早天还没亮我就因为牙齿疼痛而醒了。前几天每当吃到或喝到冷或热的食物跟饮料牙齿就会隐隐作痛,不过现在的痛变本加厉了。听说牙齿痛的疼痛程度是最厉害的,我现在终于体会到了。因为牙痛关系,我再也睡不着,只好上网找寻找看看附近哪里有价钱公道又专业牙医。

附近一带的牙医倒不少,不过我从没在吉隆坡看过牙医,有点担心这里牙医的价钱与专业。网聊当中HL推荐了他的牙医,我决定就去那间吧!不过时间还早,诊所没那么早开,可是牙齿很痛,只好吞了一粒Panadol当止痛药,迷迷糊糊睡着了。

醒来时牙齿已经没那么痛了,不过还是得看牙医。披着防水雨衣骑着摩多先到银行取钱,因为看牙医确实不便宜。在HL给的地方标志绕了几圈,还是没找着那间李诊所,索性打过去从网上抄下来的电话,问清楚地点。

到了那间诊所,很干净接待也很亲切,不过牙医是个中年女子,似乎跟HL说的李医师不是同一个李医师。检查了牙齿后,果然必须做挑牙根治疗(Canal root treatment)了。问了价钱,需要RM500!为了去处疼痛,只好忍痛花费了。李医师很细心很注意卫生,房间里播着古典音乐,整个过程只花了三十分钟不到。一开始一动到那颗牙就很痛,打了几次麻醉针才把疼痛程度减低到可以忍受的程度,结果半边脸麻木了好久。

没想到本来还担心需不需要拔掉那颗牙,结果没想到原来手术那么简单。痛楚减低了很多,麻木着半边脸付了五百块和预约了下星期复诊时间,回到家后才发现忘了要止痛药,又倒回去要了止痛药。花钱消痛,我现在的牙齿很贵呢,之前花了八百多块修补,现在又花了五百块,牙齿为什么那么贵却又那么脆弱呢?

那诊所很贴心,下午打电话来跟进和慰问我,很不错啊!我想下次找回这间诊所就对了!

Dental Care- Owl City

Monday, November 23, 2009

cute songs

I've been saying hello to Seattle whole day long

Hello Seattle- Owl City


And I'm a worm for whole day long

The Bird and The Worm- Owl City


Vanilla Twilight- Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Friday, November 20, 2009

Equation

No hope+no expectation=no emo but =/= happy

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Time

The Time Travaler's Wife.
A love story.
Everything seems to be destined.
孽缘.
戏院里,大家都知道了结局结果还是哭得稀里哗啦。
时代不同,情感不变,自Romeo and Juliet,大家还是很被爱情故事感染。
故事的主角是妻子,
最后一次的见面,消失后妻子如平时般把衣服拿起来收拾,坚强的一幕。
很爱,却也很坚强。

年龄不同了,学校不同了,场景不同了,经历不同了,身边的人都不同了,当初的好朋友仍然还是朋友吗?

感谢霓and赖,
我可以很舒服的在床上上网了~

Friday, November 13, 2009

前几天发了一个梦,忘了是几时。
醒前的一个很清晰的梦,是REM sleep的梦吗?
梦里的我很......
很想被爱,
然后会不知道自己在做什么,
有小学马来同学,
然后装饭?还是煮饭?
以后天天煮给我?装给我?
然后不知道做什么,
脑袋空白,
然后很狼狈,
被朋友骂,
然后跑出去,坐在船甲板呐喊,
为什么没有人了解我,
然后朋友问朋友说我是不是是这样的,
朋友很汗说偶尔,
然后就好像2012的场景,
大海浪吞没了另一艘度假船,
大家和我都忘了自己,拼命的在喊叫另一艘船的人快点跑,
然后大海浪过来了我们这艘船,
然后我就醒了。

醒来后告诉了一个人,梦境像2012那样。
当时有内疚感。

呐喊--
为什么没有人了解我,
的感觉很真。

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

o aouw wow

大家还好吗?
How's everybody?
我想大声地说
I want to shout out
我爱你
I love you

就像它这样
Just like her

Friday, November 6, 2009

yawn

试着找回自己。
被肯定的感觉很好。
找回那种感觉吧。
我要疯狂练球,还有啃书。
想要说说当一个好t的条件。不过好像在哪里看过了。不管,我自己的版本的。

要经济独立,有能力养活自己与另一半,还有宠物。最好有自己的地方与交通。
不抽烟酗酒,不出口成脏,要出口成章。简单来说就是有品德修养。
懂得保护自己的爱人,最好有一身好武艺~
懂得体贴温柔。
懂得煮饭洗衣做家务。
应该小孩子气的时候小孩子气,装可爱让母性发威~
当爱人选择回去异性恋世界时,再爱也要让她走。
当爱人喜欢上他人,而且还是一个男的时候,就算再想要把那男的碎尸万断也只能无可奈何的祝福她。
当爱人说分手时说不是因为不爱,而是有苦衷的时候,也只能微笑离开。

显得多么的卑微。
谁说做男人做女人很累?是t更加累!女人的累+男人的累+无可奈何的累!

Translate:
A good t's quality:
Economically independent,able to support own's,partner's and pet's life.Best to have own living space and transportation.
Non-smoker non-alcoholic non-curser. Well-educated with good attitude.
Know how to protect own partner. Best if practiced martial-arts.
Understanding.
Know to do house chorus.
Act childish when needed,to satisfy partner's motherhood nature.
Know how to let go when partner choose to go back to majority and hetero world.
When she fall in love with another person,especially if it's guy,you can't do anything but wish her happy,although you feel like killing the guy 1000 times.
When she wants to break up but said it's not because of no more love,you can't do anything but being understanding and leave.

My biopsych textbook said yawning is a behavior that we do without knowing the purpose.
In the book 'The Tipping Point" said yawning is contagious. I believe so because I yawn three times when I'm typing this sentence.
So,how many times you yawn reading this entry? =P

Monday, November 2, 2009

眼神

我越来越孤僻吗?

请给我四十八小时。
二十四小时拿来发呆,
二十四小时拿来做事。
失去斗志的家伙。

小时候有没有特别喜欢的电视节目?一个星期只做一个小时的那种?例如Charmed, Xena, Hercules的那种。 我知道现在是Heroes, CSI, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewife 那些。不过现在没有人等电视,都是下载的。ok离题了,回来。
就是那一整个礼拜都在期待那一天那一个小时的来临。
如果临时节目突改,改播其他节目,会很失望很无奈很愤怒。 然后只好期待下个星期。
现在那种‘临时改节目’的心情还是有的,很频密。不过不是每个星期只等一天,而是每天都在等那一时刻。睡觉前的一通电话。很期待,可是到了那一刻却不知道说什么。一开始不是这样的。
一开始时不是这样的。

什么时候连沟通都变得很有压力小心翼翼?
太过在乎。
喘不过气。

有时候明知道不可以,不可能,却还是做了。要怎样?坚持到底?半路逃掉?
我说的心事会让你觉得有压力。
我不说。
还是说了。

I feel so full inside of me.

我很麻烦。
有谁要这样的情人?
‘天佑我爱人,今天明日一世把她宠坏’。一个senior的msn pm。
我也想这样。我会这样,如果有‘她’。

自己也觉得从镜子里悲伤的眼神次数变多了。
以前觉得忧郁的眼神很迷人,像梁朝伟的,像周瑜民的。
有很迷人吗?

Sunday, November 1, 2009

又看文了

好的小说有影响人的能力。虽然故事里美满的结局是虚构的,可是字字句句作者写出来都来自内心的。


“不用说。这是我自己选择,和你没有关系。”她冲着我笑,心满意足的一份笑。“太多人走不到最后,但是大家还在走。为什么?因为不去走的话,你永远不知道自己 是能走出来的那一对,还是走不出来的那一对。我知道……”她走过来,伸出手,扶在我胸上,“我知道你这里在痛,在滴血,在流泪。我的也是。如果我问你,上 车之前,你明知道这趟车会停在半路,少有可以到达终点的,你还上不上?”


……我不想说话,我想她能猜到我的回答。


“你会选择上。对吧?”我点点头。


“为什么?一是因为,虽然到达终点的车少,但不代表一辆都没有,还有希望可言。”


没错。


“二是,即使车停在了半路,就此中止了,我们为什么还选择上车?”


“因为不上车,就不会看到路上的风景。”我俩,异口同声。

--- 乔拉-《爱到晚年》

虽然,主角们一开始就是被追的那个。
虽然,主角们身高都一米七。

重新复习一遍乔拉写的文,平复了我的情绪,恢复了些理智与希望。
如果考试是靠这些文的话,我会很乐意的背完整篇的故事大纲。
我看文沉迷程度可以不睡不吃不喝不拉。还不拿一百分??

Friday, October 30, 2009

把回忆连串起来,形成一个故事,然后延续下去。
我想住在回忆里。

I fear of being abandoned.
I hate that feeling.

鬼使神差

毒戒不了。不戒了。早就已经是生活的一部分了。

如此的任性,请原谅我。

为什么让我遇着了却不让我如愿以偿?
请不要回答我说这是上帝给我的一个考验。
考验很多,拿来做么?

最近一直在讨论宗教,尤其是基督。
我尊敬所有宗教,因为不可以冒犯神明,谁知道会后什么后果。
我不信奉任何宗教,可是我相信有Higher Power。
你看看,很多宗教的God如何修成正果都差不多一样的,留下来给信徒的都是差不多一样的。为什么大家的神就不可能是同一个?
不论什么宗教,都是教人如何做个好人,如何尊敬其他生命,所以有宗教是好事。
不过太过极端的信奉宗教就不好了,变成dogmatic。god倒转过来就是dog。要看自己如何辨别衡量,egocentric就不好。

如果我有一天变vegetarian,不知道我妈会什么反应?哈~

Sunday, October 25, 2009

You said last time it made you cried.
It did the same to me too.



James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.



Maybe we both felt the same.

Quit

第一次上网后不懂要做什么。

I'm sorry I can't end it in a perfect way. You know this is my way of ending everything.

我在戒毒。 My own personal kind of drug.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Never say never



Never Say Never
Some things we don't talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we're falling in and out of love
the same damn problem

together all the while
you can never say never
when we don't know why
time and time again
younger now then we were before
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

picture you're the queen of everything
as far as the i can see
under your command
i will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

you can never say never
when we don't know why
time and time again
younger now then we were before
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

we're falling apart
and coming together again and again
we're coming apart
but we hold it together
hold it together, together again

don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go(x2)



I am running away.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

now everybody say lacha lacha ta ta



as i know,they are now hot in everywhere.
and they ARE hot~
Pretty and cute. And sexy when they dance~
First time i found tb dances girl moves have different kind of style,in a cool way~
Yah babe, i like the way they dance~

生日快乐

气氛很不对,awkward。
Lack of intimacy,陌生的对话。
我累了。

Anyway,
明天有人生日。
生日快乐

Saturday, October 17, 2009

如果

酒后清醒,睡不着。
把自己隐藏起来,不让朋友找到。
诉苦后又怎样?
像朋友一样的安慰。
日子还是一样的过,
不开心,还是一样会不开心。
向陌生人诉说对全世界的不满,
会是怎样的一种心情?

Friday, October 9, 2009

break

When you have all these craps in you,
and you still have to take in all these craps,
it's overwhelming.

I was and I am still taking a break.
From everyone. Except you.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Endless story



Endless Story (ENGLISH VERSION):

If you haven't changed your mind
Then I want you by my side Tonight

I'm so tired of always having to bluff
Everytime I think about you baby, I feel so young
If I could just tell you I miss you
It's so hard to say I'm sorry

You see, I want to sing this song, not for just anyone
but just for you
An ENDLESS STORY that keeps on shining
Always, I wanna show you, forever and ever

Memories of our time together
this way, they don't go away

Once I knew that the warmth between us had disappeared,
gentle tears started to spread over my chest
This is not where it ends, I'm missing you
please don't let go of my hand

You see, I wish I could sing this song, just for you
just one more time
An ENDLESS STORY of undying love
tell me why, please tell me, forever and ever

You see, I want to sing this song, not for just anyone
but just for you
An ENDLESS STORY that keeps on shining
Always, I wanna show you, forever and ever

You see, I wish I could sing this song, just for you
just one more time
An ENDLESS STORY of undying love
tell me why, please tell me, forever and ever

can't stop

i am physically and emotionally weak.

i am mad at anything and everything, i mad at the Higher Power for whoever it may, i mad at society,i mad at family, i mad at you and i mad at myself.

i couldn't do anything to change anything.

sometimes reality hurts...painfully.

why is it so hard to get to be with someone you love...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

vulnerable

Vulnerable- Secondhand Serenade

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
Because it's cold outside, it's cold out side
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because it's cold inside, it's cold inside

And your slowly shaking fingertips
Show that you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see

And your slowly shaking fingertips
Show that you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that?s vulnerable
Impossible

Slow down girl, you're not going anywhere
Just wait around and see
Maybe I'm much more ,you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone, I can be anything

Just because you were hurt doesn?t mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone, anything
I promise I can be what you need

Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
And I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that?s vulnerable
Impossible

Will you open your heart and let me stay there?
Because you're already here.
(l)(f)

We are so vulnerable...
to get hurt/to fall in love/to die/to get disease/to be separated/to any type of harm physically and emotionally.
So,what makes us so different?
Your God? My god? Your sexuality? Your gender? Your belief? Your culture? Your family background?
Put that apart,we are just normal human being that able to feel love, pain, happy, arousal, sadness......
When we are young, we like freedom, we fool around, we play heartbreaking game;
When we are old, we want someone to be with us. We want stability in life, we want someone that can take care of us.
Why we don't appreciate when there is someone who is willing to be with us, willing to give everything anything to us when we are young?
Well,such is life. Get on with it.

This is a random. I don't know what I'm talking. If you feel I'm talking about you,so yes it is you.